HEALTHY CONFLICTS
Transform the “Hot & Cool” Dynamic That Fuels 95% of Arguments
with Kiu Coates
If you keep looping through the same arguments, where no one wins and both walk away hurt, it’s probably because the “Hot Cold” communication pattern is running the show
Whether in a relationship or preparing for the next, this course helps you understand and begin to transform the dynamic that drives most relationship conflict:
One partner expresses emotional distress or a need for something to change (Hot Communicator — often anxious).
The other feels criticized or overwhelmed and withdraws (Cool Communicator — often avoidant).
This triggers a cycle: protest and pressure on one side, distance and shutdown on the other.
Whether you identify more as the one who leans in, gets louder, and demands resolution—or the one who pulls back, goes quiet, and needs space to think—this dynamic can feel impossible to break.
But it’s not.
This self-paced course offers a grounded, compassionate and structured method to help you:
Understand what's really happening beneath the surface of this dynamic
Regulate your nervous system and reduce reactivity
Communicate from the heart—not just the heat of the moment
Beneath the reactivity, there’s always a tender place of old emotional hurts from our past.
When you learn to see and meet that place with compassion—in yourself and your partner—conflict becomes a doorway to more connection, emotional safety, and mutual understanding.
What You’ll Learn
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1. The Hot & Cold Dynamic
Identify the core communication dynamic behind so many misunderstandings. Learn how hot–cold dynamics create emotional distance, and how recognizing them can open the door to more compassionate and connected conversations.
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2. See what’s driving your reactivity
Get to know the reactive parts of yourself and discover the old experiences and emotional wounds they are trying to protect you from feeling. By shining light on them, you’ll begin to understand and soften your automatic reactions.
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3. Lighten the load and reclaim choice
Use an Internal Family Systems meditation to gently release the emotional pain your reactive parts protect. With less to defend, reactive patterns relax and you gain more freedom to choose healthier, calmer ways of responding in conflict.
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4. Respond to hurt, not reactivity
Learn to recognize the tender places beneath your partner’s reactions. By softening and meeting the real hurt, you create safety, help your partner feel seen, and disarm cycles of reactivity together.
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5. Stop fights before they spiral
Use the “Six Commandments” of time-outs to interrupt downward spirals. These tools protect your relationship from unnecessary harm and keep small disagreements from causing deeper, lasting damage.
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6. Create safety for hard conversations
Learn simple but often-overlooked practices that make difficult conversations calmer, lighter, and more constructive. With the right conditions, what feels heavy can turn into a chance for closeness
Go beyond rational understanding. Begin releasing the tension, regulating your nervous system, and responding from the heart.
By the end of this course, you will:
Feel more compassion toward yourself and your partner
Get to the root of what fuels recurring conflict
Learn to regulate and calm your nervous system
Begin to break reactive patterns and reduce arguments
Experience more connection and emotional safety
This course is for you if:
You want to go deeper after joining my From Conflict to Connection workshop.
You are in a relationship that feels stuck in repetitive arguments.
You don't want to repeat painful patterns from past relationships.
You are eager to do this work together but need something that makes it easier for both of you to engage.
You are new to emotional work and want a structured starting point.
You are interested in the 3-month coaching program but want to get a taste of what this might be like… or are on my waiting list and wish to start “the work” now.
This course is NOT for you if:
You’re hoping things will improve only when your partner changes, rather than being open to your own growth.
You struggle to complete self-paced courses — in that case, our 3-month guided online program will be a better fit.
Your relationship has been in serious crisis for some time. Please seek couples’ therapy.
What’s Inside the Course
What makes this course so powerful is that you get to watch a real couple go through the understanding of this pattern, their reactive parts and the healing of the childhood hurt that drives this reactivity.
As you watch them you will see yourself and your partner more clearly. It also enables you to watch them do the exercises so when you come to do them, you know what to expect.
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LESSON 1:
From Conflict to Connection
Discover the hot–cold dynamic behind recurring arguments by watching a real couples session. Experience a meditation to understand your reactive patterns.
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LESSON 2:
What Drives Reactivity
Watch a real couple in session as they discover and begin to release the past emotional weight that triggers their reactivity.
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LESSON 3:
Healing Your Inner Child
A guided meditation and exercises to help you discover and begin to release the past emotional weight that triggers your reactivity.
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LESSON 4:
Interrupting Downward Spirals
Master the six commandments of time-outs to interrupt conflict early and shift fights before they escalate into deeper harm or disconnection.
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LESSON 5:
Make Difficult Conversations Easier
Learn simple, often-missed practices that make hard conversations calmer, safer, and more constructive for both partners.
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LESSON 6:
Key Shifts That Change Everything
What can you do that will make the biggest impact going forward? Focus your energy where it matters most.
Join the Training
Format & Delivery
Video and audio lessons taught by Kiu
Video of real sessions with a couple
Guided inner child healing meditations
Journaling + couple conversation prompts
Full course access from Day 1
Email support to keep you on track
199€
✔ Start Anytime: Instant Access
✔ 3–4 hours total: Do it in a weekend or over a week
✔ Included: Coaching videos, guided meditations, practical tools
My guarantee: I truly believe this course can make a difference. If you complete all the lessons and exercises and don’t feel it has been helpful, I’ll refund your course fee in full (within 30 days of purchase). That’s my commitment to you.
For over a decade Kiu has supported individuals and couples transform conflict, improve communication and strengthen their relationships. His work is rooted in 22 years of dedication to his own personal development journey and his training in Compassionate Inquiry (Dr Gabor Maté), Internal Family Systems and Nonviolent Communication.
A core part of his work is helping people heal the emotional weight of past experiences that fuels reactive communication patterns, so they can enjoy relationships that feel more authentic, harmonious, and connected.
Over five thousand people have attended his workshops and leadership trainings in schools, NGOs, businesses, humanitarian organizations, and public learning spaces.
Not Ready to Dive In?
No worries. You can still start shifting your relationship today.
Follow my free podcast, Below the Surface, where you’ll:
Listen to audio clips of my sessions with real couples
Hear my commentary + practical insights
Learn tools to bring more safety, connection, and compassion into your conversations