Connected Relating: Session 3

Connecting to your vulnerable part /exile / inner child

Previous Session Recap

  • You chose two capacities you want to strengthen - your goals for the program

  • Identified a current habit that limits your capacity to embody one of the capacities you chose to work towards

  • Got to know this protector…

    • Where it lives in your body

    • Whats its trying to do for you / fears

    • How old it is

    • What was happening around that age 

    • How important it was for you back then

    • Appreciation

Preparation for this session

  • Please make a short note of the following before continuing as you will need to remember this for the exercises

    • The protector you worked on in the last session 

    • What is the vulnerable experience/feeling it’s helping you avoid? - vulnerable part, exile or inner child 

    • The age it first started protecting you

    • What was happening back then that meant you needed protecting


    NOTE: If you were present and participated in this session 3 then check in with yourself. How you feel about doing the inner child meditation now?

    • If you feel open, skip the gatekeeper meditation and go straight to the inner child meditation. (20mins)

    • If you feel shut down, resistant or distracted use the gatekeeper meditation then the inner child meditation. (17min +20mins)

Gatekeeper / Protector

In the next exercise we are going to intentionally feel that vulnerable experience. But before we do that…..

Imagine beginning to feel that vulnerable experience.

Are there any parts of you that have concerns, resist or just don't see the point in feeling this again?

Parts that say things like 

  • “I’ll get stuck in this emotion, fall apart, it will leave me destroyed”

  • “If I start crying I won’t stop”

  • “Should be over this by now / self-indulgent”

  • Even though you know it makes sense to feel something you don't / numbness

  • “Ive already dealt with this /I already know this part” 

  • “This won’t get me anywhere, no point feeling this again”

  • Etc

What is your primary part that has concerns, resists or just doesn't see the point?

Let's do a short meditation to get to know, connect and learn about this part through our bodies. This will help us establish a better relationship with the part that stops us from feeling and contacting the vulnerable part.

Gatekeeper / Protector Meditation

For this exercise you will need to remember:

  • The protector you worked on in the last session 

  • The age it first started protecting you

  • What was happening back then that meant you needed protecting

  • The vulnerable experience/feeling it’s helping you avoid

  • You can also refer to the make these meditation more effective guide at the bottom of this page

Part 1 — Journaling prompts

Write down any reflections you have about that experience that seem important. If you want you can use these questions

  • What kinds of things does it say

  • Where did you feel this protector in your body? What did it feel like, any shape, size, texture, temperature?

  • What did you sense about what this part is trying to do for you? How is it trying to help?

  • What did you sense it's afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job?

  • How old is it?

  • What was happening around that age?

  • How do you feel toward this protector now, having spent time with it?

  • Where did you feel this protector in your body? What did it feel like, any shape, size, texture, temperature?

  • Was there anything that surprised you?

Vulnerable Part / Exile / Inner Child Meditation

In the last session we got to know the protector part that is the habit that stops you from strengthening the capacity you chose to focus on.

This protector and old habit gets automatically activated to help us avoid a certain vulnerable experience from our younger years.

This meditation will help you get to know and find some warmth towards that young part of us that carries the vulnerable experience .

For this exercise you will need to remember

  • The protector you worked on in the last session 

  • The age it first started protecting you

  • What was happening back then that meant you needed protecting

  • You can also refer to the make these meditation more effective guide at the bottom of this page

We will use “the other child” technique. This means we will explore what happened to you through the eyes of another child you know first before connecting to your own experience.

  • Remember the age your protector first started protecting you. Think of a child you know, roughly this age (if you have kids, don't choose them) If you can't think of a child either remember a childhood friend or just: “Imagine a child that age.”

  • “Got someone? Hold them in mind.”

Journaling prompts

Write down any reflections you have about that experience that seem important. If you want you can use these questions

  • What struck you or most stood out for you about this experience?

  • When you turned from the other child towards your own inner child. What did you feel toward your own inner child?

  • What changed in your body during this process?

  • What did your inner child want you to know, and what did they ask for in the next 7 days?

Practice between this session and the next

This week’s practice matters more than any other week so far. Meeting the exile can be a delicate experience. It can bring up difficult emotions that we have been avoiding for a long time.

Now we have the opportunity to be present to that old pain, take care of it, help it to not feel so alone, train our capacity to not get overwhelmed by it and learn to comfort it.

I promise you, what significantly changes peoples reality is when they see this as a process of developing a relationship with this part of you as opposed to fixing a problem, making it go away, healing it (so you don’t have to deal with it again) or all the other transactional approaches.

To change our relationship to parts of ourselves, especially ones we have avoided for so long that carry childhood pain requires us, like any relationship, to show up consistently.

Practice for this week is…

  • Do the Exile / vulnerable part / Inner Child Meditation -  at least 2 times per week

    • If you feel open, skip the gatekeeper meditation and go straight to the inner child meditation. 

    • If you feel shut down, resistant or distracted use the gatekeeper meditation then the inner child meditation.

  • Whatever your inner child asked for in the meditation, follow through on it this week

Guide to making your meditations effective

Approach this part of you with genuine curiosity.
This works much better if you treat it like a person you're trying to understand. It can tell the difference between curiosity and judgement. You don't need to like the habit. You just need to be willing to hear what it has to say.

Ask the questions and listen — don't analyse.
I'll guide you to ask questions to the part of you that drives this old habit. Just ask internally and notice what comes back. Think of it like dropping a pebble into still water and watching the ripples. You might get a word, an image, a feeling, a sensation — or nothing at all.

If nothing comes, stay with the sensation in your body until the next question.
I'll sometimes offer the same question twice in different words. If neither version lands, let it go.

You don't need to follow the whole meditation.
Wherever you get to is enough. You're building a relationship with this part of you, it doesn't all need to happen in one sitting.

If emotions come up, let them.
Tears, sadness, grief, anger, these are a normal part of the process and often a sign that something meaningful is being reached. If at any point it feels like too much, open your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, and take a few breaths before deciding whether to continue or stop.